Is Your Marriage Sexless?

Sound familiar?

"We have no time for sex"

"Too tired"

"We’re just glorified roommates at this point"

"We’re both just way too busy with the kids and life"

"It feels like a chore or a transaction, not intimacy"

"You only touch me or act nice when you want sex"

"I just don't have a sex drive anymore"

"Sex just isn't a priority for us anymore, and that's okay"

"Everything else in our marriage is great, so I just learned to live with it"

We've all been there right? A dry patch in your relationship where you're just not connecting intimately. For many of us that can mean anything from 1 week to a month. Most times you can't quite figure out why. You're both aware that its been awhile but neither of you quite know how to initiate sex at this point. For some couples this pattern has become way too familiar to the point where you just both stopped trying and both stopped hoping or expecting intimacy. The truth is you're most likely not in a sexless marriage, because the clinical definition of sexless marriage is less than 6 times a year.

I do get asked at what point couple's should seek help. My answer is generally the same for everyone. When your lack of sex becomes a concern for you or your partner than its time to have a conversation.

Each relationship has its own dynamic and so if sex once a month is what keeps you and your partner quite happy and content then that is normal for you. Be sure you are not pressurising yourself or your partner into having sex on a schedule or regularity you both have never had before. This obviously changes if one of you is wanting sex more regularly than the other. Than its a discussion you both need to have and if that is not easy or possible using the services of someone like myself can become incredibly helpful in navigating any possible pitfalls.

The most common reasons for lack of intimacy in relationships

Just out of self interest, how many of these have you experienced during your relationship?

Stress and Mental Exhaustion

Work pressure, financial anxiety, and daily obligations drain physical and mental energy, leaving little desire or energy for intimacy at the end of the day.

Mismatched Libido (Desire Discrepancy)

One partner naturally desires sex significantly more or less often than the other, creating tension, pressure, or feelings of rejection that cause the couple to stop trying altogether.

Relationship Conflict and Resentment

Unresolved arguments, poor communication, or feeling unappreciated weaken emotional closeness. For many people, emotional connection is a strict prerequisite for physical intimacy.

Parenting Fatigue and "Parenting Mode"

Raising children, especially toddlers or infants cause severe sleep deprivation and physical burnout. Many parents experience being "touched out" after holding or caring for children all day. Having six children myself I have learnt that each age group brings about their own worries as a parent. What I would often give for toddler problem when my 24 year old gives me a new reason to have a sleepless night.

Hormonal Changes and Medical Conditions

Fluctuations in hormones (e.g., postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, low testosterone) directly impact sex drive and comfort. Physical illness, chronic pain, and conditions like diabetes or heart disease also play a major role.

Side Effects of Medications

Certain prescription drugs, particularly SSRI antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and hormonal contraceptives, and what recent studies are showing about GLP1's can significantly decrease libido or cause sexual dysfunction, at least until dosages are corrected or the body has a chance to adapt.

Body Image Issues and Low Self-Esteem

Feeling uncomfortable in one's own skin due to weight changes, aging, or health issues can make a person feel unsexy or self-conscious, leading them to avoid vulnerability and touch. When last did you feel 100% confident and sexy in your body?

Monotony and Loss of Novelty

Over time, routines can lead to predictable or boring sexual experiences. When sex becomes a repetitive chore rather than an exciting, connection-building activity, interest naturally fades.

Lack of Sex Knowledge

Many people with limited access to porn, religeous groups or certain conservative cultures can find themselves out of ideas when it comes to sex. Lack of sexual education and experience can result in a very limited sexual 'vocabulary' and so sex can be seen to be boring or even impure.

Assumptions 

Assumptions that a partner should want sex and if they don't initiate they don't want it. Or worse - that it is their duty to find their partner sexy and desirable. Too many couples assume their partners sexual needs without actually knowing them. There is also an assumption that all people can become aroused instantly and so the concept of spontaneous and responsive desire is not known.

Depression and Anxiety

Mental health struggles alter brain chemistry and reduce the ability to experience pleasure (anhedonia), which often drains sexual desire and energy entirely.

Performance Anxiety or Sexual Pain

Issues such as erectile difficulties, early ejaculation, or pain during intercourse (dyspareunia, vaginismus) make sex stressful or uncomfortable, causing couples to avoid it to prevent distress.

Negative Sexual Experience

Bad sexual experience can lead to a sexless relationship. If from broken trust, trauma, abuse or something simply went wrong during sex and the two of you are too afraid to initiate intimacy again.

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Why is Sex important in an Intimate Relationship?

Physical & Mental Health Benefits

• Stress & Anxiety Reduction: Sexual activity triggers the release of endorphins, dopamine, and oxytocin while actively lowering cortisol (the body's primary stress hormone).

• Improved Sleep Quality: Post-orgasm, the body releases prolactin and oxytocin, hormones directly linked to drowsiness and deeper REM sleep cycles.

• Immune System Support: Regular intimacy (1–2 times per week) correlates with higher levels of Immunoglobulin A (IgA), an antibody that protects against common illnesses like the flu.

• Cardiovascular & Physical Fitness: Sex increases heart rate and blood flow, engaging multiple muscle groups and burning roughly 3–4 calories per minute acting as light-to-moderate aerobic exercise.

• Pain Relief: Endorphins released during intimacy act as natural painkillers, helping reduce migraines, menstrual cramps, and chronic joint pain.

  
  

Relationship & Emotional Benefits

• Strengthened Emotional Bonding: Physical touch and climax release oxytocin often called the "cuddle hormone" which promotes deep feelings of trust, affection, and long-term attachment between partners.

• Enhanced Communication & Vulnerability: Navigating physical intimacy requires non-verbal cues and open dialogue, which naturally translates into better overall communication and conflict resolution outside the bedroom.

• Higher Relationship Satisfaction: Couples who maintain regular physical connection consistently report higher overall relationship quality and feel more valued by their partner.

• Conflict Buffer: The emotional closeness and chemical baseline created by regular intimacy help cushion relationships against daily stressors and minor disagreements, preventing simple disputes from escalating into deep resentment.

How I help couples with sexless marriages:

I have two methods of assisting couples who are experiencing a sexless marriage:

Couples 1 on 1 Coaching

I can assist couples online at this moment. Basically we arrange a zoom call and our session will take about 50 minutes. Before our first session I send communicate with the couple giving each of them a chance to complete an intake form that asks a range of questions that will better prepare me for our session.

Rekindle Intimacy Program

I designed this program using the latest couples therapy and sexological modalities and practices in mind. Its a program you can do from the comfort of your home as its completely online. All it takes is a time commitement of about 45 minutes a day. The sessions include guided video sessions, activities, games and of course a lot of steamy fun stuff when you're ready. We go at your pace. Trust me your sex life will not be the same after this.

How do I know if my Marriage is over?

"If it were not for hope, the heart would break."

(Greek Proverb) 

As much as clinical sexologists and sex therapists try to save a relationship there are many instances when a couple has waited too long to get help and the indifference between them has grown to the point of no return. At the end of the day we are not magicians and it still comes down to each partner playing their part in therapy and doing the work and whats needed to bring the relationship and sex life back on track. There are cases where trauma, betrayal, abuse and various other serious challenges are simply too much for intimacy to rekindle. As much as that saddens me to say, it is realistic to for me to prepare clients that if a marriage or relationship is too fragile and 'far gone' an improved sex life might not be enough to save it. It is also sometimes when a partner realises that their sexual needs are simply never going to be met by their partner that they feel the need to make a change. You can't change your healthy sexual needs or desires necessarily but you can change your partner. I try as much as possible to avoid this and present a number of solutions and options for clients allowing them to make the final decision.